Funny Because It's True
by Rhino7
Summary: Tifa and Yuffie have different ideas on how to handle a drunk Leon. Rated for alcohol.


**Funny Because It's True**

**By Rhino7**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, its characters or storyline. This little bit of nonsense is mine. I have no excuse for this thing. I was bored and I had just watched an episode of Supernatural when Sam was drunk. I actually stole a line or two from it…because it's just an awesome show. Anyway, I figured Leon plus alcohol had to equal win, and this one-shot was born. Enjoy.**

**..:--X--:..**

If Tifa hadn't decided to swing by Wedge's bar for a drink, who knows how long this would have gone on.

"Sweet lord, what—" Tifa's eyes widened.

Yuffie flopped over the bar, laughing hysterically and holding her sides.

"How long has he been doing that?" Tifa asked, horrified.

"Half an hour." Yuffie gasped, out of breath from laughing. "Earlier he gambled 2000 munny off those bozos down there!"

Tifa tore her eyes from the unusual sight to see three men, each easily 300 pounds, grumbling in the corner and downing mugs of beer.

"How many has he had?"

"I lost count!" Yuffie yelled over the music.

"How could you lose count?!"

"It was too funny! I couldn't focus!" Yuffie wiped tears from her eyes.

Tifa winced and looked to the other end of the bar again. She had heard in passing that Leon wasn't a man who could hold his liquor…but this was just ridiculous. She'd been a bartender for years before this and she knew drunk when she saw it. The spectacle at the end of the bar was beyond drunk. This was hammered as she had never seen previously.

Half of her was disgusted.

The other half was about to laugh Tifa into an early grave.

"I didn't know he was that flexible." She said, shocked.

Both girls tilted their heads slightly. Yuffie lifted her phone and snapped a picture, saving it.

"Wait," Tifa lifted a hand, "Is he still on those pain killers?"

"How else do you think I dragged him here?" Yuffie gestured to the loud, dance-party bar. "He was half out of his mind before we even ordered the first round!"

"Yuffie!" Tifa looked at her incredulously. "Alcohol and pain killers should never be mixed! It's dangerous! It's—" She looked back at Leon.

"It's hilarious! That's what it is!" Yuffie slapped the bar.

Tifa was trying to be stern, she really was…but she had never seen Leon drunk before and it was…kind of amusing.

He was a pretty good dancer, she noticed.

"He was singing earlier." Yuffie slipped in casually.

"No way." Tifa sputtered. "To what?"

"At one point, it might have been AC/DC, but after a while it turned into some sort of primal, ostrich mating call." Yuffie snorted into her martini.

Tifa covered her mouth with one hand to stifle the laughter.

"Best part…ON the bar. Not the floor, not the stage, but standing on the bar, using somebody's shoe as a microphone." Yuffie said delicately before exploding into fresh peals of laughter.

Tears of amusement slurred Tifa's vision and she fought to hold herself together.

"Tifa!"

She looked up at the half-mangled cry from Leon. He was on his knees on the bar counter, arms up in the air like a referee declaring a touchdown, eyes impossibly wide and wearing a grin that would have split the face of a sober-Leon.

"Sit back and enjoy the ride." Yuffie hissed in her ear, snorting over her shoulder.

"When d'you ge' here?" Leon stumbled over to the girls. "Hey! Tifa's here!" He yelled to the rest of the bar, drowned out by the blaring music.

"Hi." Tifa greeted, unsure how to handle a Leon who was friendly and talkative. "I just got here a few minutes ago. Are you okay?"

"I'm awwwesome." Leon clapped her on the shoulder. "I can't b'lieve I've never been in s'bar 'fore!"

"And I'm sure you'll never come back after tonight." Tifa said, gripping his elbow to steady him.

"Why not?" Leon asked loudly.

"The manager probably won't let you." Tifa couldn't hide a grin.

"OH MY GOSH!" Leon jumped like he'd been electrocuted.

"What? What?" Tifa looked around frantically, "Are you bleeding?"

"I love this song!" He grabbed Tifa's wrist. "Come on!"

"No! No, no, no, I think you need—" Tifa resisted.

"Oh, come on, Tifa." Yuffie was holding onto her chair to remain upright. Otherwise she would have fallen to the floor laughing, "Let him dance. Please. I beg you."

"I've got a better idea." Tifa tightened her grip on Leon to keep him from scampering off.

"With cake?!" Leon looked at her with eyes like a five year old.

"Yes, cake." Tifa went along with it. "Just—come on."

She looked back to Yuffie for help.

Yuffie looked slightly disappointed. "We could get another hour of entertainment out of this."

"Yeah, and it'll be funny until he sobers up and finds pictures of this on the internet." Tifa said, "And it'll stop being funny at all when he realizes it was you who uploaded them."

Yuffie heaved an off-putting sigh. "I guess you're right."

Leon did a double take. "Yuffie!" Another touchdown arms' gesture. "Hey, Yuffie's here!"

The crowd and the music drowned him out and he frowned, leaning close enough to Tifa that she could smell the vodka on his breath.

"I think all thes'people are deaf." He whispered loudly.

"Okay." Tifa steered him toward the exit. "Come on."

Yuffie begrudgingly hopped off the stool, paid the tab, and followed.

"You have no idea the kind of power we're toting right now, do you?" She said in awe as the three of them walked out onto the sidewalk.

Well, Tifa and Yuffie walked. Leon…skipped.

"And do you remember the giant gun-sword he totes around?" Tifa jabbed a thumb in Leon's direction.

"Hey, true friends would take advantage of this for blackmail." Yuffie pointed out.

"Leon and I are barely friends to begin with."

"Leon is barely friends with everybody." Yuffie waved her off. "I bet we could get him to cartwheel through the Bailey."

"Yeah and then hurl all over the place. No thanks." Tifa said.

"Y'know wha' I HATE?!" Leon yelled so loudly that both girls cringed.

"No, please, tell us, Squall." Yuffie played along smugly.

"Hey." Leon pointed at her, speaking thickly. "S'Leon."

Yuffie lifted her hands in apology and looked to Tifa. "See?"

"I hate tennis!" Leon kicked at a dirt clod, nearly losing his balance. "But s'long as the squirrels stay away from the 'frigerators, s'okay."

Tifa looked at Yuffie flatly, "How many pain killers did he have?"

"I think three."

"Three?! Dr. Leng said two max a day! And at least six hours apart." Tifa walked ahead slightly and kept Leon from walking into a light pole. "Leon, look at me."

He wobbled on his feet as he stopped walking, looking down at her. "Yer short."

Tifa ignored him and looked him square in the eyes. "Bloodshot and uneven. That can't be good."

"Yer bloodshot and uneven." Leon retorted and looked sideways to Yuffie, "Yer short too!" He patted her on the head, "I could throw you like a javelin!"

Yuffie laughed loudly and covered it up with a snorting cough.

"As much as we would love to see you try," Tifa said, tugging his arm, "Let's try walking instead."

"Where to, Cap'n?" He saluted her lazily.

"Merlin's."

"Is'ere cake there?" Leon asked, tripping over his own feet.

Yuffie slid under his arm, keeping him upright. "You bet."

"No strawberry cake. I HATE strawberry cake!" He bellowed to the heavens.

"No strawberry cake. I promise." Tifa said, taking his other arm over her shoulders, mimicking Yuffie to keep him balanced.

"Hey!" Leon pulled her closer, "Tifa's here!"

Tifa swallowed. Way past drunk.

"Ow."

It was said so flatly and in such a tiny voice, Tifa almost didn't hear him.

"Ow." Leon said again, frowning. "M'leg hurts."

"That's because it was crushed two days ago in that rockslide, remember?" Yuffie explained, "Then you did the Electric Slide three times an hour ago."

"Didn't hur'then." He said in a whiny voice.

"Pain killers are wearing off. Wonderful timing." Tifa muttered.

"Oh! We should play Jenga!" Leon swayed between them, limping slightly now. "I would whoop all your asses at Jenga."

"I'm sure you would." Yuffie snickered.

"Are we there yet?" He asked.

"No." Tifa answered.

"How'bout now?"

"No." Tifa replied, giving Yuffie a look that sent the younger woman into a fit of giggles.

"How'bout—"

"Leon!" Tifa cut him off.

"Tifa!" He yelled back, snickering at her.

"We're here!" Yuffie announced, steering them toward the small house.

"Has this house always been this big?!" Leon leaned back as though to take it all in.

Both girls staggered slightly to keep him from flopping backwards onto the cobblestone.

"Is anybody home?" Tifa asked.

Yuffie shimmied out from under Leon's shoulder and opened the door. "Nope."

"My leg hurtsss." Leon looked down at his knee, pitching forward at the change in gravity.

Tifa staggered, "Hey-okay! Come on, a few more steps."

She half-dragged him into the house and Yuffie closed the door behind them.

"Get me some cold water and a bag of ice." Tifa ordered.

Yuffie hopped into the back kitchen to obey.

"There are a frickin' lotta books in here." Leon noted aloud.

"Well, that's Merlin for you."

"Merlin. Tha's a funny name. Merrrrrrlin. Merliiiiin. Meeeeerliiiiiiiin." Leon played with the name on his tongue.

Tifa spotted a couch and helped him shuffle and stagger over to it. There was no way in Hell she was getting him to one of the upstairs bedrooms to lie down and pass out. The couch would have to do.

"Yuffie, why didn't you bring him home earlier…before he was buckets of insane?" Tifa called back.

"Because he's bigger than me and it was friggin' hilarious!" Yuffie replied.

Tifa let Leon flop unceremoniously onto the cushions of the couch, slumping on to the back of it like a ragdoll. He blinked up at her in confusion for a moment and then…giggled.

This was just getting disturbing now.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Tifa lifted her hand, raising three fingers.

Leon reached for her face, poking her on the nose. "Poke." He said sheepishly.

Tifa sighed and took his hand, setting his arm back down at his side. "Yes, that's my nose. Good job. How many fingers?" She held up three again.

"Two." He enunciated carefully, sitting up and staring at her intensely.

Tifa sat back slightly, "Okay, don't get up. Just stay here."

"Y'blinked. I win!" He sat back and then grimaced. "Ow."

Tifa frowned. "Is it the knee you banged up a few days ago?"

"Yeah." He muttered, and then looked at her, eyes wide. "What if they amputate it?!"

Tifa snorted into her fist. "They won't."

"But what if they do?"

"Who is 'they'?"

Leon beckoned her closer, looking around suspiciously, "Th' lil' orange people wi' the green hair."

"Oompa loompas?" Tifa blinked at him.

"Shhh!" Leon waved an arm at her, "Don't say it out loud! They'll hear you!"

Tifa gently patted Leon on the shoulder, "Leon, I promise, no oompa loompas are going to cut off your leg."

"Oompa loompas?" Yuffie walked back in, "What did I miss?"

Tifa took the bottle of water and unscrewed it. "Paranoia and confusion."

Yuffie snickered, watching Leon snatch at invisible things in front of him.

"Yeah, laugh it up, but when he's hungover and irritable tomorrow, I'm pointing my finger at you." Tifa remarked, opening the bottle of water and promptly splashing half of the cold contents over Leon's face and shoulders.

"Blah!" Leon sputtered, limbs flying akimbo. "What wazzat for?!"

"Because you're annoying when you're drunk and on pain killers." Tifa said matter-of-factly, then to Yuffie. "Probably be needing a trash can too."

Yuffie quickly produced a trash can and backed away, the threat of being vomited on very real at the moment. Tifa sighed and looked to Leon, who was still sputtering water.

"What possessed you to take a painkiller-high Leon to a bar…never mind." Tifa waved off the ridiculous question.

In all honesty, it was the most entertaining thing she'd seen in months.

Leon snatched up one of Merlin's derelict spellbooks and started thumbing through it. Seeing him summarily occupied, Tifa pulled his sore leg up onto the coffee table and started poking at his knee. It was swelling up again, just as Dr. Leng had predicted it might. Pain killers were out of the question and he'd had way too much alcohol…as was becoming apparent as he read aloud the instructions on some of Merlin's more complicated spells.

Heaving a sigh, Tifa took up the bag of ice Yuffie had brought in and placed it over Leon's knee. He started slightly in surprise.

"No oompa loompas, just me and some ice." Tifa reassured.

"Where's the watermelon?!" He said indignantly, squinting at the instructions in the book.

"I don't…I don't think Merlin works with watermelons." Yuffie snickered.

"Watermelons are awesome!" Leon slapped the book closed, "There should be watermelon pie."

"Well, maybe you can make the first one." Yuffie assured, plopping down beside him on the couch.

Tifa stood. "I'm going to get some toast to help soak up some of that alcohol he drank."

Yuffie waved her off. "So, Leon, how do you feel about strawberry cake?"

Tifa went into the kitchen to a loud yell of: "I HATE STRAWBERRY CAKE!"

Rolling her eyes, she pulled out the bag of bread and decided against toasting it. It really wouldn't matter at this point. Leon was toasted enough. She walked back into the living room to find Yuffie and Leon liplocked.

"Y-Yuffie!" She called out in surprise.

Yuffie withdrew, smacking her lips together. "What? I was curious. He'd never let me do it otherwise." She frowned in thought. "Not what I expected. You want to try?"

"No!" Tifa snapped immediately, tossing the bread to Leon, who looked affronted.

"Why not? I'm an'xcellent kisser!" He shook a fist. "Never gotta complaint yet!"

"From who?" Yuffie asked, leaning away from him. "Who have you ever kissed?"

Leon squared his shoulders like he was going to show her up. "Plenty!" He held up a finger, "Rinoa, and you, and…Rinoa!" He lifted a finger with each name.

Tifa sighed, folding her arms. "Eat some of that." She said sternly.

"Fine, Miss Bossy-britches." Leon grumbled.

Yuffie ruffled his hair affectionately, "I love drunk-Leon."

"Yeah, you won't like him tomorrow." Tifa remarked lightly.

The clock chimed and Yuffie frowned.

"Dang it. I've got patrol in half an hour. Hey, Tifa, will you video-record this for me?" She asked.

Tifa squawked. "No, I will not."

"Why not?" Yuffie tilted her head.

"Because one of these days, I'm going to be the drunk one and Leon will be the one keeping me from dancing naked on top of a double decker bus." Tifa explained. "And I need to be in good standing with him when that time comes."

Yuffie blinked and they were both quiet for a moment.

"Whatever." The younger woman jumped up and patted Leon on the head. "I really hate to go. You have no idea."

Leon snickered at her and made a butterfly with his hands, flapping his fingers like wings and making 'whoosh' noises.

"I'm going to stick around and keep an eye on him until he passes out." Tifa said, leaning against the wall.

"Take pictures." Yuffie pointed at her, crossing over to the front door.

Tifa shook her head. "He's going to kill you tomorrow."

"IF he remembers any of this! And if he does, I'm blaming you!"

"Oh, who's he going to believe, me or you?"

"We'll find out tomorrow!"

"M'gonna name him Brian!" Leon knighted his hand-butterfly.

Tifa rubbed her face and Yuffie made her retreat, closing the door behind her and leaving Tifa alone with Leon, who giggled at her and pulled his hands apart. Seeing his hand-butterfly torn in half, his eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"Brian! NOOOO!" He cried dramatically.

Tifa winced at the decibel and couldn't repress a laugh at the sight.

Leon looked at her when she started laughing. "Hey!" He threw his arms up in the air. "Tifa's here!"

And he promptly passed out, face first into the couch.

Tifa sighed, "Well that didn't take long."

**..:--X--:..**

The first thing Tifa heard upon waking up the next morning was the sound of someone violently throwing up. Not exactly how she liked to start her mornings.

She pushed herself up out of the recliner where she'd fallen asleep and looked around. Leon was nowhere to be seen, but the bathroom door was hanging open. Standing up and stretching, Tifa walked into the kitchen and helped herself to a bottle of water.

"Are you all right?" She asked ambiguously, twisting the lid off the bottle.

A grunt was her only reply.

Smirking, she walked over to the open bathroom door and leaned against the wooden frame. Leon was on his knees, face lowered into the bowl of the toilet, back heaving as his stomach fought to empty itself. From the sound of it, there wasn't much left to throw up.

"Are we a tad hungover this morning?" She prompted, sipping at the water.

Leon sat up a little, pushing his hair out of his eyes and glaring at her. Well, it would have been a glare if the light of the bathroom hadn't attacked his retinas, causing him to grimace and shield his eyes with his arm.

"I'll take that as a yes." Tifa snickered.

"Stop yelling." Leon ground out, sounding like gravel in a blender.

Tifa grinned in amusement and wiggled past him into the bathroom. She popped open the sink cabinet and rustled through the bottles for some aspirin as quietly as she could manage.

"You know what the perfect remedy is for a hangover?" She paused. "A greasy pork sandwich served up in a dirty ash tray."

Leon gagged and sat back on his haunches. "I hate you."

Tifa pushed the bottle of pills into his hand. "Yeah, I know."

Feeling particularly impish, she petted him on the head as she shuffled back out into the hallway. Leon made a very indignant noise and twisted open the bottle of pills.

"What happened last night? I don't remember drinking." He threw back a few pills and swallowed them without water.

"That's because you were whisked to a bar after downing three pain killers." Tifa informed.

Leon stood up slowly, keeping his weight off his bad knee. His gaze narrowed dangerously, "Yuffie."

Tifa lifted her shoulders, "You didn't hear it from me."

"Where is she?" He limped out of the bathroom, looking green from the hangover and flushed with irritation…it was a bizarre color combination on the face.

As if on cue, the door opened and Yuffie sauntered back in.

"Tell me, what did I miss—Oh, Squall, you're…awake." Yuffie greeted.

She seemed to shrink as Leon took a few shaky steps forward, one hand on his head, the other hand on the wall to steady himself. Tifa stood out of the way, preparing herself for the ensuing argument. Before Leon could unleash his hangover fury on the ninja, Yuffie took a step away and threw her arms up into the air. Leon stopped, looking confused.

Tifa laughed and threw her arms into the air as well.

"Hey!" Both women said in unison. "Leon's here!"


End file.
